When I think about talking to people about my issues I immediately get that feeling like I’d rather crawl out of my skin than tell this person what is wrong with me.
That being said, I have severe anxiety.
If you could see me right now you would see a pale face and maybe a little bit of sweat beads popping out of my forehead. You might think “that’s irrational for her to be upset because she can’t even see the people on the other end reading this article.” You wouldn’t be wrong, it is irrational. That’s what anxiety is, it’s worrying about worst case scenarios, and my worst-case scenario is you knowing about my personal ailments.
I have never claimed to be normal by any means, I love being a child at heart and a free spirit. I have however, claimed that I do not have a disorder. Why? Because people see it as a weakness. It is a weakness don’t get me wrong, but what makes a weakness a bad thing?
I have had anxiety since I can remember, I wasn’t always treated for it because I didn’t know what it was when I was a child, but it was there looming in the background keeping me from talking to this person and doing basically anything by myself. Here’s where the positive weakness comes in.
Because getting through life by avoiding everything and never talking to anyone isn’t an option for someone who wants to do arts and crafts with people and travel the world, I had to figure out something. I was still avoiding that my anxiety was in fact a disorder, I just figured I was just being weak. So, I forced myself to fight through it, I fought through the awkward interactions with strangers and I forced myself to do things without the company of another human. Slowly, but surely, I became more comfortable. I didn’t WANT to do any of it, talk to another human? NO THANKS, but I did it and it became easier every time.
When I started dating my wonderful husband, I was so turned around I didn’t know which way was up and what was going on because I had one part of my brain telling me to run away and hide and the other part of my brain telling me to take a risk and leap! Thankfully he knew me previously from our 4-year friendship, so he already knew I was a little… unhinged, to say the least. Thankfully he grounded me, he supported my thirst for adventure while understanding that I needed to work through my anxiety moments slowly.
Because of my husband and my ability to talk myself through situations (he became the tiny positive voice in my head), I can happily say that I can manage my severe anxiety without help from doctors or medications, until I got pregnant…
Curveball… Did you know a symptom of pregnancy is unholy rage and manic anxiety? Yeah me neither. Found that one out about 7 weeks into my pregnancy and realized there was NO WAY I was going to manage this without some sort of help. So, I went to the doctor, I told her that I had an uncontrollable rage that was causing massive problems with my marriage. She asked me if I felt safe at home… apparently when I said “I have an uncontrollable rage” she assumed it was my husband? Anyways she put me on medication and happily ever after we have our beautiful baby girl and mom didn’t kill anyone during her pregnancy. Win, win! Except…
I have had to continue the medication well after my pregnancy because when I stop taking it I basically must start all the way back at the beginning of this story, the part where I was a hot mess and up was down and right was left, before the hubs came along and helped me. So, I keep taking the medicine, cool whatever works that helps me be the best mom I can be for our little cutie.
THEN out of nowhere I start to feel the anxiety creeping up on me like a thunderstorm off in the distance. I can see it and I can sense something is there and I need to prepare before it gets here. Only thing is, I thought I was preparing? So why is that anxiety thunderstorm over there heading directly for me??? Apparently, unbeknownst to me (aka the doctor never told me and neither did that stupid side effect pamphlet) your anxiety can get used to the dosage you are taking for the anxiety management.
SO, I HAVE TO CHANGE MY ROUTINE YET AGAIN.
I have contemplated not changing it, just letting myself manage it like I have in the past. My husband deploys for work (no he’s not military anymore please don’t thank him for his service, he really doesn’t like that, I guess it’s awkward or something) and is currently gone so I am single momming it with our 8-month-old trying to manage this anxiety beast without him. Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and make that doctors appointment to get this figured out the medication way.
The reason behind this post is mainly because I’m having a rough night and I need someone to talk to without response. I don’t need the “omg I’m so sorry” or “yeah that sucks” responses because people generally don’t know how to respond when someone tells them things like this. It’s also because I know there is someone out there reading this completely relating to everything I’ve said. Yes, I’m talking to you, the one that is probably sitting on your couch right now just mindlessly scrolling through whatever website to keep your mind off whatever is worrying you. Yeah you, it’s going to be okay, you’re doing great and whether you have to take pills to make yourself better, if you have a certain person in your life that helps you, or if you’re a straight beast and can do it all by yourself that is amazing!
YOU ARE AMAZING. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t just because you have a weakness.
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time”