Between two places

I’ve been having a lot of trouble lately.

I pride myself on always being the person that is there for people whenever they need me. I love being that person and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

But sometimes I need someone…

I’ve been feeling less than myself lately, and I’ve honestly just wanted someone to ask me “how are you doing?” or just simply talk to me about literally anything to get my mind off whatever it is that’s bothering me.

Along with my never-ending anxiety I also have spurts of depression. These two combined feels like a storm above only you that at any point could strike you with lightening. Constant unease and constant feeling of doom and sadness.

Now when I feel this way, which isn’t all that often, but it does happen. I just want to talk to the people that are closest to me. Mostly my husband but he’s on an exact opposite sleeping schedule so it makes these times significantly harder on me.

Sometimes I feel like I lean too much on my husband for his support to the point where I am slightly codependent. Then other times I feel like I should lean on him because he’s my husband… Anxiety is fun.

So, I know that not everything is about me. I’m not one of those self-centered people that wants all the attention. I hate attention, don’t look at me. I’m always making sure everyone else is okay and taken care of before I even think about myself. It’s just my motherly instinct I guess.

But, sometimes it is about me. I NEED it to be about me.

Sometimes I just need to talk about something other than adult things, or something that’s just bothering me, or I just need to be around someone close to me. Even if we don’t talk about anything of importance, that time is like a reset for my brain.

This usually falls under the category of husbandly duties, but military spouses must improvise.

And no, I don’t mean by finding another guy, I do not mess with Jody’s

Let me pause and address the Jody’s reading this, you are bad, bad people. Of course, both parties involved are bad people, but you saw a vulnerable person and you took advantage of the situation. YOU ARE A BAD PERSON. And the dedicated military spouses can see you coming A MILE away so please just stop.

Anyways, back to my original point. I must improvise by making plans with my close girlfriends. I look forward to these plans as looking forward to them makes the time I’m away from my husband pass by significantly faster. When I have long spurts of just doing the same thing every single day without anything to look forward to besides my husband coming home MONTHS from now I get sad.

I get lonely, I just want company. I have my daughter of course and she’s totally fun to hang out with, but she’s also my job.

Think about this for a second. You love your job right (some of us don’t I know, but just work with me here). You love your job, now imagine you LIVE at this job you love. Your entire world revolves around this job that you love. You can’t do ANYTHING without making sure this job is taken care of while you’re away. When at home aka your job, you are on the job 24 hours a day 7 days a week. The only breaks you get are when you hire that temp to come in for a few hours, so you can actually be an adult instead of a slave.

What I just explained was the life of a stay at home military husband or wife with a deployed spouse. Take away the 24-hour work shift and you have a stay at home parent. Tweak it any way you want, and it still is working HARD for FREE.

I love my daughter more than I have ever loved anything on the planet, but she’s exhausting. It’s a good exhausted, but everyone still needs a break even from the things they love.

Lately, I’ve just felt more alone than I usually do. Usually I have something to do every week that I get to look forward to. Recently I’ve had nothing. Nothing but mundane chores and a 1 year old that’s learning what a scream is…

Of course, I have home projects, my friends always laugh at me because I ALWAYS take on some huge project when my husband is away. I get bored and my mind is bigger than my logic I guess.

Last time my husband was gone I decided to sell our old house and purchase a new one, then proceeded to move our entire household while I was about 8 months pregnant. This time? I’ve decided to have the roof redone (we’re paying someone for that one) and I decided my dad and I can totally redo the deck that is rotting because the guy that built it didn’t use pressure treated wood.

ANYWAYS, our deck is still a hot mess and now it’s just a chore that I need another break from instead of a project. I understand everyone has their own thing going on, and I’m totally okay with that. When my husband is home I’m usually busy all the time trying to get everything done in the time that I have him because it’s always a countdown to the next deployment.

I guess what I’m saying is I just need to find something to look forward to in order to get out of this funk that I’m in. And I need my friends to realize that when I plan things with them it’s part of my “looking forward to” way of coping with my husband being gone for long periods of time.

I don’t really have a solution to this one yet, I’m sure I will figure it out as I go along and get out of this funk. Right now, I just nap when the little one allows me to nap in order to make time feel like it’s going by faster.
“Time is the longest distance between two places.” -Tennessee Williams

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