Mothers Don’t Sleep

It’s been a while since I have written anything. Well… I take that back I’ve written quite a bit, I just haven’t posted them because I either forget or I haven’t perfected them to my liking yet.

Recently I have been a little anxious about my daughter. She turns one tomorrow, and I honestly have no idea how that even happened.

I’ve been thinking about her future recently and I have been overly anxious about it. I’m so worried for her. I know as a mom that is totally normal, but is it normal to be THIS anxious about it?

I fear for her safety, I’m mortified that something is going to happen to her so much so that half the time I don’t leave the house with her without someone else there with us. Being that my husband can’t be home right now this makes my anxiety extra high because our “protector” isn’t here.

The other day I had a scary moment that didn’t help the anxiety whatsoever. My dad, my daughter, and I were shopping. I pulled into the parking lot and I just happened to scan the parking lot (something my husband taught me to do when I am alone just so I know what and who is in my surroundings). As I scanned I noticed a guy just scanning the parking lot and waiting. He seemed to be waiting for something, so I kept him in the back of my mind and we continued on into the store. As we came out I noticed he was still in the parking lot wandering around just looking at various cars and randomly checking his watch to act like he wasn’t paying attention to anything around him. We get to the car and I get my little one all situated in her car seat and my dad hops in the back seat to give her a bottle while I prepare to drive us home. Now I know I’m not the only one that does this because I don’t like to text and drive so I send messages and get my music all set up before I leave the location I’m at, it’s just something I’ve always done. I’m getting ready to put my phone down and I hear my dad say “lock the doors” with that dad voice that sends chills down your spine. Instantly, I locked the doors and looked in my rear-view mirror and there is that guy walking up from the back of my car so close to it that he’s basically rubbing his body up against my car. He must have heard the doors lock because he continued as if nothing happened and as if it wasn’t completely weird to be looking into someone’s car (that you just watched get in it).  He started scanning the parking lot again and checking his watch as if nothing ever happened. I wanted to call the police, but honestly what would I say? He really didn’t do anything but get too close to my car.

This is the kinds of situations that run through my mind on a daily basis. What if I didn’t lock the doors in time? Was he going to open my daughter’s door and grab her? He never would have gotten to her without me jumping out of the car and attacking him because let’s be honest there is no “fast” way to get a baby out of a car seat. But what was he going to do? Was he going to hurt my innocent child? Was he going to try to take her?

There is a reason that I wanted to have a boy. I have grown up my whole life as a girl and I know the things that girls can go through and I’m so scared for my baby girl.

As I continue to watch her grow, I continue to fear for her. I know I will need to teach her to protect herself and I know that I’m not going to be able to protect her from everything and that breaks my heart.

I don’t want her to go through the things that I’ve gone through, I don’t want her to be afraid of just being in a situation because of her gender. We all know as females we must take certain precautions in order to ensure that we are safe, I wish more than anything that I could let her life her life without that fear.

I’ve never really given it a second thought when I protect myself in certain situations, but when I think of my daughter having to do these things and having to be afraid of just simply walking down the street it makes me want to hold her and never let go.

I have spoken to my husband about it and of course he just says we will teach her to protect herself. Which of course yes, we will, but he doesn’t have that anxiety that I have for her. I just wish I could keep her in a tower like Rapunzel and never let anyone up to hurt her.

Obviously, I’m not going to do that because if I remember my story correctly Rapunzel ended up hating her “mother” right?

I’m also mortified for that! What if she totally grows up and hates me?! I love her with all my heart I can’t imagine her just hating me because I wouldn’t let her do something.

I mean I know that she’s going to be in that weird teenage years where everything mom says is just because I want to “ruin her life” but I am so scared she’s going to come out of those teenage years and completely hate me because let’s be honest we don’t all like our parents. I like mine, but I know plenty of people that want nothing to do with their parents.

There’s SO much anxiety that comes along with having a little girl. And I’m sure there is anxiety that comes with having a little boy too, I don’t know because I don’t have a boy yet but I’m sure there’s anxieties that will arise when/if we ever have a little boy.

This article really doesn’t have any advice like my past posts do because I honestly am right in the middle of this anxiety problem and I have found no way out yet. I feel like every day I watch her grow and every day this anxiety hole gets deeper and deeper as I fear for her.

I don’t know how to teach her to be friendly to strangers, but not trusting. How do I teach her to trust her instincts and not do things that just aren’t safe? I don’t know how I’m ever going to let her leave my sight without being a nervous wreck the entire time.

I know there must be something that other parents do to be okay with these kinds of things. I’m sure I will find it, but right now I am so scared for my child.

“Mothers don’t sleep, they just worry with their eyes closed” -Author Unknown

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