Between two places

I’ve been having a lot of trouble lately.

I pride myself on always being the person that is there for people whenever they need me. I love being that person and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

But sometimes I need someone…

I’ve been feeling less than myself lately, and I’ve honestly just wanted someone to ask me “how are you doing?” or just simply talk to me about literally anything to get my mind off whatever it is that’s bothering me.

Along with my never-ending anxiety I also have spurts of depression. These two combined feels like a storm above only you that at any point could strike you with lightening. Constant unease and constant feeling of doom and sadness.

Now when I feel this way, which isn’t all that often, but it does happen. I just want to talk to the people that are closest to me. Mostly my husband but he’s on an exact opposite sleeping schedule so it makes these times significantly harder on me.

Sometimes I feel like I lean too much on my husband for his support to the point where I am slightly codependent. Then other times I feel like I should lean on him because he’s my husband… Anxiety is fun.

So, I know that not everything is about me. I’m not one of those self-centered people that wants all the attention. I hate attention, don’t look at me. I’m always making sure everyone else is okay and taken care of before I even think about myself. It’s just my motherly instinct I guess.

But, sometimes it is about me. I NEED it to be about me.

Sometimes I just need to talk about something other than adult things, or something that’s just bothering me, or I just need to be around someone close to me. Even if we don’t talk about anything of importance, that time is like a reset for my brain.

This usually falls under the category of husbandly duties, but military spouses must improvise.

And no, I don’t mean by finding another guy, I do not mess with Jody’s

Let me pause and address the Jody’s reading this, you are bad, bad people. Of course, both parties involved are bad people, but you saw a vulnerable person and you took advantage of the situation. YOU ARE A BAD PERSON. And the dedicated military spouses can see you coming A MILE away so please just stop.

Anyways, back to my original point. I must improvise by making plans with my close girlfriends. I look forward to these plans as looking forward to them makes the time I’m away from my husband pass by significantly faster. When I have long spurts of just doing the same thing every single day without anything to look forward to besides my husband coming home MONTHS from now I get sad.

I get lonely, I just want company. I have my daughter of course and she’s totally fun to hang out with, but she’s also my job.

Think about this for a second. You love your job right (some of us don’t I know, but just work with me here). You love your job, now imagine you LIVE at this job you love. Your entire world revolves around this job that you love. You can’t do ANYTHING without making sure this job is taken care of while you’re away. When at home aka your job, you are on the job 24 hours a day 7 days a week. The only breaks you get are when you hire that temp to come in for a few hours, so you can actually be an adult instead of a slave.

What I just explained was the life of a stay at home military husband or wife with a deployed spouse. Take away the 24-hour work shift and you have a stay at home parent. Tweak it any way you want, and it still is working HARD for FREE.

I love my daughter more than I have ever loved anything on the planet, but she’s exhausting. It’s a good exhausted, but everyone still needs a break even from the things they love.

Lately, I’ve just felt more alone than I usually do. Usually I have something to do every week that I get to look forward to. Recently I’ve had nothing. Nothing but mundane chores and a 1 year old that’s learning what a scream is…

Of course, I have home projects, my friends always laugh at me because I ALWAYS take on some huge project when my husband is away. I get bored and my mind is bigger than my logic I guess.

Last time my husband was gone I decided to sell our old house and purchase a new one, then proceeded to move our entire household while I was about 8 months pregnant. This time? I’ve decided to have the roof redone (we’re paying someone for that one) and I decided my dad and I can totally redo the deck that is rotting because the guy that built it didn’t use pressure treated wood.

ANYWAYS, our deck is still a hot mess and now it’s just a chore that I need another break from instead of a project. I understand everyone has their own thing going on, and I’m totally okay with that. When my husband is home I’m usually busy all the time trying to get everything done in the time that I have him because it’s always a countdown to the next deployment.

I guess what I’m saying is I just need to find something to look forward to in order to get out of this funk that I’m in. And I need my friends to realize that when I plan things with them it’s part of my “looking forward to” way of coping with my husband being gone for long periods of time.

I don’t really have a solution to this one yet, I’m sure I will figure it out as I go along and get out of this funk. Right now, I just nap when the little one allows me to nap in order to make time feel like it’s going by faster.
“Time is the longest distance between two places.” -Tennessee Williams

Certainly Uncertain

Today was something…

I don’t even know where to begin, it started out totally normal. I woke up, got my daughter we had breakfast as usual. She watched Paw Patrol (side note, I HATE paw patrol and we literally have 3 of the breeds of dogs that are on that show, but I just CANNOT) and I did my schoolwork. The day went off like any other day until dinner time.

I sat my big girl in her high chair as I usually do because she outgrew me and now MUST feed herself. I recently purchased little toddler ravioli plates for quick dinners when I’m either eating something she can’t, or I just don’t feel like cooking.

Don’t be a judgey mom, you know there’s been times you don’t want to cook haha.

Anyways, I’m sitting there watching this giant one-year old baby that I just gave birth to yesterday pick up her little raviolis and pop them in her mouth then take a swig from her dinosaur sippy cup.

She’s talking to her food as she usually does and is trying to grab everything around her high chair instead of actually eating her food.

I turn to start my dinner and hear the noise…

The noise that just sends absolute chills down your spine. The noise that you know something is wrong. The noise that you will never forget. I turn around quickly to see her little face slowly turning bright red as she clutches for her little dinosaur sippy cup in hopes of relief.

She was choking…

I know people have said when you are in a near death experience you will see your entire life flash before your eyes. I have never been in a near death experience, but I can attest that your life and your child’s life will flash before your eyes when they are in trouble.

No one told me this…

No one told me that she would choke on things, no one told me that sometimes she would just shove things in her mouth faster than I even see her do it. And certainly no one told me that it would be the absolute scariest moment of my life and probably not the last.

This is not the first time she has choked on her food. She’s done so before, but this time felt different, it felt like time just stopped.

I know people say you will never understand love until you have children and if I’m being honest I always thought those people were absolutely crazy. Love? Of course, I know what love is. I love my husband, I’ve loved my family my whole life, I love my animals.

Those crazy people were right.

I had NO IDEA what love was until I saw that little girl. She is my absolute world and I know I’m the only one that sees her the way she is. I have never loved something as much as I love her.

As I watched her little face turn red my instincts kicked in and I think if it hadn’t been for them I’d still be sitting there in shock. It was like my body was moving before my brain even left the chair that I was sitting on.

I was over to her faster than I have probably ever moved in my life (and I’ve seen a tarantula in the wild). Her high chair is second hand and it sticks when you try to remove the tray. I will now be searching for a new high chair because of this incident.

The high chair table was stuck in position and I couldn’t get to my daughter. She’s sitting there choking, spit is just pouring out of her mouth because she can’t swallow, and I can’t get her out. I don’t know how, but again my body was just moving I had zero control.

I hulk ripped that table off that high chair with the power of Hercules. Once it was off that thing hit the ground and the food and sippy cup flying. I made it, I got to her.

Now what?

She’s still choking looking to me for help because she doesn’t understand why she can’t breathe.

When I was pregnant with her I was already in this over protective mom mode. I decided where we lived was not good enough for her (we lived in a lesser than ideal area for kids at the time) the house was our first home, so we compromised on location. Anyways, I had sold our house, found another one out in the woods with a beautiful 5-acre plot, and moved our entire household, ALL WHILE I WAS 8 MONTHS PREGNANT AND MY HUSBAND WAS DEPLOYED.

My realtor, who is now my very good friend just thought I was totally insane. No one, and I mean NO ONE understood why I had to do this right now and I couldn’t just wait until the baby and the husband was here and then find a location.

What people don’t understand about me is that I am a fierce lover. I love with passion, fire, and protection. I saw our old house as a negative space to bring our child into, so I HAD to get her to safety.

While I was looking for homes, I found the perfect one that was way out in the mountains that had a huge garage for the hubs, an in-law quarter for my father, and just beautiful aerial views of panoramic mountains.

This house was one hour from literally anything…

Me being who I am I instantly said no to this perfect house for our family because what if something happens and I need to get this tiny human growing inside of me to a hospital? By the way, worst case scenario thinking is also a symptom of anxiety.

Long story short, I found our house that we currently live in with much patience from my poor realtor friend and my husband who was deployed and having a very hard time not seeing the house before buying it. I made sure to find the closest EMS location (right down the road from us) and the closest hospital (20 minutes away).

This was enough to subdue my anxiety and fear of something going wrong because I knew at least I could get us to safety if I absolutely needed to within a reasonable amount of time.

Now, I timed the locations of the EMS station and the hospital and how long it would take for me to get to both places from our house.

Wasn’t good enough for me…

Did you know it only takes 4-6 minutes for someone to die from a blocked airway? Don’t believe me? Look it up.

Getting to the EMS station or the hospital was much further than the time it would take for my daughter (or really anyone in my house) to die from choking on something. So, my husband and I signed up for a CPR class.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND getting CPR certified if you have small children or really just anyone living in your home. Even if you are just living by yourself they teach you how to perform the Heimlich on yourself if you need to in such a situation, but I digress.

As we were taking the CPR class I was stressing out because how am I ever going to remember all this information when I need it? I’m going to completely go blank and whoever is in front of me is just going to die before my eyes because I can’t remember how many fingers you use to measure from the middle of the chest to perform the Heimlich properly.

I am here to tell you that you WILL REMEMBER.

I am here to tell you that your body will just do it. Once your brain realizes that something you love is in danger it completely focuses on that and takes over. My body moved before I had a chance to think about it.

The second that high chair tray fell to the ground she was unbuckled and, in my arms, as I was patting her back and clearing her airway.

In this moment I began to cry.

Anyone who knows me, knows that it takes A LOT for me to cry.

Unless I’m pregnant, when I’m pregnant the wind could hit my face the wrong way and I’ll just break down in tears. Whoever said pregnancy is fun is a bold-faced liar.

Anyways, this was a cry I have never in my life experienced. Never in my life have I cried without contorting my face (yes I ugly cry, if you don’t you’re lying to yourself haha)

Tears were just running down my face as I held her in my arms and listened to her breathing and whimpering because she was scared. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t happy (I mean I was happy she was okay, but it wasn’t a happy moment). I have never before cried simply because a situation was intense. For some reason I was embarrassed that I was crying so I tried to hide it, also I didn’t want to scare my poor daughter more than she already was.

Let’s be honest when our parents cry we KNOW something isn’t right.

This story is quite long, and I do apologize for that, but I needed it to be dramatic. I needed you to feel everything that I felt tonight so the next time you look at someone you love you know how quickly they can be taken from you. There is no guarantee in this life and as I write this I could easily pass away and you’d never hear from me again.

Life is terrifyingly amazing and take advantage of as much as you can while you can. Enjoy the people you love because there is no way of knowing when you never get to touch them again.


I know you’re thinking “I’ll never need to use it and I will have wasted all that money for no reason”, I’m here to tell you I said the exact same thing to myself when I signed us up for the expensive class.

I’m also here to tell you that if I hadn’t taken that class my daughter may have died tonight…

“Live life for the moment, because everything else is uncertain” – Louise Tomlinson

Mothers Don’t Sleep

It’s been a while since I have written anything. Well… I take that back I’ve written quite a bit, I just haven’t posted them because I either forget or I haven’t perfected them to my liking yet.

Recently I have been a little anxious about my daughter. She turns one tomorrow, and I honestly have no idea how that even happened.

I’ve been thinking about her future recently and I have been overly anxious about it. I’m so worried for her. I know as a mom that is totally normal, but is it normal to be THIS anxious about it?

I fear for her safety, I’m mortified that something is going to happen to her so much so that half the time I don’t leave the house with her without someone else there with us. Being that my husband can’t be home right now this makes my anxiety extra high because our “protector” isn’t here.

The other day I had a scary moment that didn’t help the anxiety whatsoever. My dad, my daughter, and I were shopping. I pulled into the parking lot and I just happened to scan the parking lot (something my husband taught me to do when I am alone just so I know what and who is in my surroundings). As I scanned I noticed a guy just scanning the parking lot and waiting. He seemed to be waiting for something, so I kept him in the back of my mind and we continued on into the store. As we came out I noticed he was still in the parking lot wandering around just looking at various cars and randomly checking his watch to act like he wasn’t paying attention to anything around him. We get to the car and I get my little one all situated in her car seat and my dad hops in the back seat to give her a bottle while I prepare to drive us home. Now I know I’m not the only one that does this because I don’t like to text and drive so I send messages and get my music all set up before I leave the location I’m at, it’s just something I’ve always done. I’m getting ready to put my phone down and I hear my dad say “lock the doors” with that dad voice that sends chills down your spine. Instantly, I locked the doors and looked in my rear-view mirror and there is that guy walking up from the back of my car so close to it that he’s basically rubbing his body up against my car. He must have heard the doors lock because he continued as if nothing happened and as if it wasn’t completely weird to be looking into someone’s car (that you just watched get in it).  He started scanning the parking lot again and checking his watch as if nothing ever happened. I wanted to call the police, but honestly what would I say? He really didn’t do anything but get too close to my car.

This is the kinds of situations that run through my mind on a daily basis. What if I didn’t lock the doors in time? Was he going to open my daughter’s door and grab her? He never would have gotten to her without me jumping out of the car and attacking him because let’s be honest there is no “fast” way to get a baby out of a car seat. But what was he going to do? Was he going to hurt my innocent child? Was he going to try to take her?

There is a reason that I wanted to have a boy. I have grown up my whole life as a girl and I know the things that girls can go through and I’m so scared for my baby girl.

As I continue to watch her grow, I continue to fear for her. I know I will need to teach her to protect herself and I know that I’m not going to be able to protect her from everything and that breaks my heart.

I don’t want her to go through the things that I’ve gone through, I don’t want her to be afraid of just being in a situation because of her gender. We all know as females we must take certain precautions in order to ensure that we are safe, I wish more than anything that I could let her life her life without that fear.

I’ve never really given it a second thought when I protect myself in certain situations, but when I think of my daughter having to do these things and having to be afraid of just simply walking down the street it makes me want to hold her and never let go.

I have spoken to my husband about it and of course he just says we will teach her to protect herself. Which of course yes, we will, but he doesn’t have that anxiety that I have for her. I just wish I could keep her in a tower like Rapunzel and never let anyone up to hurt her.

Obviously, I’m not going to do that because if I remember my story correctly Rapunzel ended up hating her “mother” right?

I’m also mortified for that! What if she totally grows up and hates me?! I love her with all my heart I can’t imagine her just hating me because I wouldn’t let her do something.

I mean I know that she’s going to be in that weird teenage years where everything mom says is just because I want to “ruin her life” but I am so scared she’s going to come out of those teenage years and completely hate me because let’s be honest we don’t all like our parents. I like mine, but I know plenty of people that want nothing to do with their parents.

There’s SO much anxiety that comes along with having a little girl. And I’m sure there is anxiety that comes with having a little boy too, I don’t know because I don’t have a boy yet but I’m sure there’s anxieties that will arise when/if we ever have a little boy.

This article really doesn’t have any advice like my past posts do because I honestly am right in the middle of this anxiety problem and I have found no way out yet. I feel like every day I watch her grow and every day this anxiety hole gets deeper and deeper as I fear for her.

I don’t know how to teach her to be friendly to strangers, but not trusting. How do I teach her to trust her instincts and not do things that just aren’t safe? I don’t know how I’m ever going to let her leave my sight without being a nervous wreck the entire time.

I know there must be something that other parents do to be okay with these kinds of things. I’m sure I will find it, but right now I am so scared for my child.

“Mothers don’t sleep, they just worry with their eyes closed” -Author Unknown