(Un)Healthy Relationship

So, my past posts have been quite serious and while I do enjoy serious writing at the proper times I also am a very sarcastic and playful person so this post while the content is fairly serious I am going to start adding some humor to it. Because what is life if we can’t laugh?

I do apologize this is going to be a long one so buckle up!

Let me just start by saying I am quite happily married. When I think about being with anyone other than my husband I get a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach, unless of course it’s Taron Egerton (that guy is my guilty pleasure, which my husband is fully aware of and he has his freebie too, Mila Kunis).

Anyways, I want to start out with that because what I’m about to discuss is about ex relationships. The ones that are still sour in our minds, even if we have our happily ever after.

I wanted to talk about this because today I saw something on social media about how a girl was in a relationship and he made her feel like she was “too”. By “too” she describes “too emotional”, “too clingy”, just “too much” for this particular man in her life. I can’t credit her unfortunately because it was a screen shot and her name was blacked out, but if you’re reading this, girl thank you for the epiphany you brought me today.

I’ve been in numerous relationships that have left a sour taste in my mouth. Ones that you aren’t really sure he did anything wrong because he always made you feel like the bad person. Relationships where no matter what you did it was ALWAYS wrong. You are always the one that did something wrong and no matter what he will make it known that it’s all your fault.

You’re “too” much.

This is a VERY bad person, run far away from this person.

They only get worse, trust me. And yes, I’m talking about actual physical abuse. If you need someone to talk about options, there are plenty of sources out there to get away from this type of person. If you would like to talk to me about it, I would be happy to help you in any way that I can. I’ve listed help sources at the bottom of this post.

It is IMPERATIVE that you seek help from this person.

Then there’s the relationships where he puts you on what I like to call the back burner. The area of the stove that only gets used when the two front burners are occupied. My main example of a “back burner” type scenario is this:

S.O. = Significant Other

S.O.1: Would you like to hang out tonight?

S.O.2: Sure, that sounds great.

Later that night, after S.O.1 has already told everyone else that he/she has plans

S.O.2: Sorry can’t hang out tonight someone else asked me to hang out with them.

This is a prime example of basically an entire relationship I had at one point in my life. I would always initiate the get togethers and if something better came up for him, he would ditch me and do that, with or without inviting me sometimes. It even got to the point where I would bribe him with things in order to get him to hang out with me. Can I just say, I’ve never felt more like an object than when I had to bribe someone to hang out with me and it WORKED.

This completely isolated me from my friends because why would they want to hang out with someone that always says no for her boyfriend? I lost so many friends and the ones that I had left were his friends, so in the end I was left with no one and a bunch of people that turned their backs on me.

This is not to say that I was completely innocent in the entire relationship, don’t get me wrong I had my mistakes. However, when you unfortunately love someone with this “back burner” mentality then you end up trying everything within your power to get away from them, but they keep giving you hope to keep you on that back burner, so you keep going back.

Until you can take a step back and realize everyone you know is either not your friend anymore because of them or was their friend to begin with, then you can start to move on with your life and get completely away from this toxic relationship. You also must come to the realization that the “back burner” is also the “talker”.

Let me elaborate, once you end this “back burner” relationship be prepared because he or she is going to try to turn every single person that knows you against you to make you look like the bad guy. Trust me this happens and trust me it is NOT FUN, but you’ll be alright. Mine even tried to turn my family against me…

Yeah… Dick move.

There’s also the relationships where he just talks to you like you’re an object or he needs to train you to be a certain way. I am not exactly a full on “feminist march” (as my husband likes to describe it), but I am a feminist, or I guess a humanist because I don’t think men should be treated poorly either so I’m just going to go ahead and say this to all the people that have this type relationship:

YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE ANYTHING FOR ANYONE BUT YOURSELF.

If you are in a relationship that you feel like being yourself just makes the other person angry, can I ask why you’re in that relationship? I know, it’s because you love that person. I’ve been there, it sucks.

I’ve even let an ex dictate who my friends were. I’ve had a few insecure boyfriends try to tell me who I can and can’t speak to, meanwhile they’re off hanging out with other females and doing things I probably never found out about. This is what I like to call the “shelf relationships”, basically you’re put on a shelf and he will take you down and play with you whenever he wants, but no one else gets to play with his toy when he’s not around.

And by play, I mean converse, get your mind out of the gutter.

This is a HUSBAND/WIFE request from a BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND status, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. He or she (yes woman are guilty of this too) are just trying to control you and isolate you from your friends. Conversely, my husband has NEVER asked me to stop talking to someone, why? Because I don’t talk to people that could potentially bother him.

Want to avoid problems in your marriage?

DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE THAT THREATEN IT.

It’s fairly simple, if you have a strange feeling about the way a person you are talking to is acting, chances are they don’t have good intentions.

Pick your marriage over ANY person that doesn’t have respect for it.  There’s a reason this is in bold and underlined, I feel like some people just don’t get it (mostly the people that try to interfere).

My husband and I have lost quite a few mutual and non-mutual friends because we chose our marriage over the friend, and NOT because either of us asked the other to remove them. You want a quick way to my shit list? Try to come between me and my husband, I can promise it won’t end well for you. And just know we both laugh about you afterwards.

Moving on… that’s a discussion for a different post

Any type of relationship you can possibly think of and I’ve probably been in it. These are toxic and borderline (if not actually) abusive relationships, if you’ve read my previous post, you may be the toxic person in this relationship scenario.

If that’s the case for the love of all that is holy fix it/yourself for the sake of humanity. Also, it’s okay if you do happen to be the toxic person as long as you realize it and do your best to change it. You don’t have to be a bad person to be a toxic one.

I mainly wrote this because I see so many of my dear friends going through the same types of relationships that I have and it just breaks my heart because I want to shield them from it. I know that nothing I say will get them out of their toxic relationships because they will have to come to these realizations on their own, but maybe, just maybe bringing these situations to light will help.

Also, I’d like to say to any ex-boyfriends reading this and thinking “I wonder if she’s talking about me?” if you have to ask yourself that question just know that yes, I most certainly am talking about you.

So, in conclusion, to all the ladies and gents out there that have read this and just feel like it speaks to you just please don’t give up hope. There is someone out there that will completely want you for you and won’t put you on the back burner or the shelf or make you feel like you need to be someone else around them.

You want to know when you’ve found the right person for you? Every single thing you do is accepted by them. I’m not saying you will AGREE on everything, there’s no way in hell my husband and I agree on everything (should have heard us talking about how easy breastfeeding is the other day, he was wrong I was right considering, you know, I have the breasts…)

ANYWAYS before I get angry at him again…

Relationships will not always be “we live in this perfect bubble and everything is perfect all the perfect time” and excuse me while I go throw up.

The best way I can describe of a good relationship is controlled chaos. It’s going to be messy, like all the time, regardless if you have kids, no kids, no pets, a zoo (we have kids AND a zoo), but its NEVER going to be emotionally exhausting or so much work that you just don’t have the energy for.

There’s a video that I found recently on social media from a guy named Prince Ea, the video, like the story at the beginning of my post, really spoke to me and I’ll be honest I’ve watched it about a thousand times when I’m feeling my anxiety build up. I hope that it shares properly across Facebook to here, so you can also enjoy it. I hope that it helps you understand that it’s okay to quit.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.

https://www.facebook.com/PrinceEa/videos/10156612056059769/

 

“A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, your dreams, or your dignity.”

-Mandy Hale

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
www.ndvh.org

National Dating Abuse Helpline 
1-866-331-9474
www.loveisrespect.org

Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center 
International Toll-Free (24/7)
1-866-USWOMEN (879-6636)
www.866uswomen.org

National Child Abuse Hotline/Childhelp 
1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
www.childhelp.org

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 
1-800-273-8255 (TALK)
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

The Bitter Past

While I sit here tonight I think about all the things I have gone through in my life. I can only assume a normal person thinks of all the wonderful things that have happened to them and all the great accomplishments they have made. A person like me, however, thinks of all the things that they’ve done wrong or has been done to them.

Every single night of my life I am flooded with memories that I have tried my hardest to forget. Whether it be an awkward encounter with a stranger, an ex-boyfriend that I’m just now realizing treated me terribly, or something I did to someone that I completely regret.

If you believe you have no regrets, then I hate to be the one to tell you that you’re in denial. Everyone regrets something.

As I lay in bed exhausted longing to fall asleep and to get a break from all these memories rushing back to me, I try to think of all the good in my life. For some people this may be easy, for someone with any kind of anxiety disorder this is a daily challenge. I have remembered things that everyone else involved has probably long since forgotten.

Imagine being locked in a room with a television and all that’s playing is all the memories you are embarrassed of, the memories that are so painful you just want to forget them, and the memories that you wish never happened. Imagine doing that every single night before you fall asleep. Can you imagine getting any sleep at all? Probably not, who would get sleep with that in their heads? This is the perfect example I can think of for someone that suffers from anxiety.

The only relief from this occurrence I have is when I take an over the counter sleeping pill. So, while I’m sitting through the worst movie ever for the millionth time I will fall asleep instead of just tossing and turning all night long with no avail. Also, I leave the TV on, ALL NIGHT LONG.

I have slept with the TV on my entire life to stop the noise of the silence. I don’t know how people handle the silence, it’s so loud. To dull the noise of the constant nightmare, I have the TV distract me, with much protest from my husband of course. If I don’t have the TV on I am awake all night long reliving all the worst parts of my life in detail.

There have also been times when I have completely blocked things out, this baffles my mind. I have had full conversations with old friends and have not remembered a single thing they are talking about from the past. I don’t remember much of my high school days, I just remember select people. High school was awful for me as it is for many people, I suppose. So, I guess my mind just blocked most of my high school experience out. I’ve also blocked out much of my early 20’s, I don’t know why, they weren’t all that bad. I guess I just spent so much of younger 20’s wasting it on relationships with no purpose that  my mind decided it wasn’t worth remembering. I can tell you what I do remember though, the bad stuff.

I am not sure if everyone with anxiety has lapses in their memory and if they have a hard time remembering the good and not just the bad, but I feel like my life began when I moved away. I moved away from the place that I had all these bad experiences and it was like I woke up from a 15-year nightmare. The sun came out and I could feel like my life was mine again. Obviously, not everyone can just up and move away and I do not condone running away from your problems at all, but you must find something to renew yourself.

If I hadn’t moved away I strongly believe I would still be on the path that I was on, and it was not a good one. Part of my problem however, attributed to the fact that I hated where I lived since the day I moved there at the age of 12. It was awful from day one and from day one I wanted nothing more than to get out of there. If I had been happy where I lived I would have probably taken the same steps I did to renew myself without the moving aspect.

To renew myself I had to remove all the negative people from my life. That meant long term relationships that were toxic or just toxic people in general. Anyone that can possibly bring you down and make you feel worse than what you already make yourself feel. I even had to remove people that weren’t toxic, but they made ME a toxic person.

Yes, that’s a thing, everyone is toxic to someone. Sorry to break the news to you, but you are someone else’s toxic person. You’ll survive. Realize who you are toxic to and change your behavior and if you can’t change your behavior be a decent human and remove yourself for them.

You must remove these people and remove yourself from these people. Easier said than done right? Yeah, I know, but you must do it if you want to restart. Again, you cannot run from your problems. I don’t believe this is running from them I think it’s more of removing the dramatics from your life.

No matter how long it takes and no matter what you must do to take back your life, just remember the memories will always be there. You will never forget the good and the bad memories, if you’re unlucky like me you’ll forget only the good memories… Awesome I know…

You must learn how to manage them, if it’s a good memory of someone that just happened to be a toxic person in your life, take it as that, a happy memory. Don’t let it get you down to where you contact that person again, you removed them for a reason.

You didn’t work together, FOR A REASON. Accept that as hard as it may be.

Memories whether good or bad are simply that, they are memories. You can’t change them, you can’t recreate them, and you sure as hell can’t go back to them.

Move on and take your life back from them. Even if you must relive your bad memories every night before you fall asleep at least you can wake up knowing that is no longer your life and YOU are the reason it changed.

I know there are people reading this right now at each stage of this process. Maybe you are just realizing that this is your situation, maybe you are in the process of removing the toxicity, maybe you just realized that you are the toxic one, whatever it may be don’t give up. Continue working toward your goal and what you need to do in order to take YOUR life back.

Also, just know that you are NOT a bad person for wanting to better your life… Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting something different for your life. Life is far to short to be living it for other people.

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

– Lewis B. Smedes