So, it’s been a while since I have written anything. I’ve been having an anxiety episode the past couple weeks and it’s kind of taken over my life. I feel like I am finally coming up for air now.
Funny thing about anxiety it can quite literally take over your life.
For the past 2 weeks or so I felt like I was living life inside my head. It’s quite hard to explain when I try to put it into works, but I will try my best.
My husband came home for most of October and we FINALLY got to go on our honeymoon, 5 YEARS LATER. Yeah…
Although I poke fun at the fact that we took our honeymoon so late I will say I’m glad we waited until our marriage was really needing some “us” time. If you can’t afford a honeymoon right after your wedding (because let’s face It weddings are insanely expensive) and you plan to go later in life, don’t let it bother you. If I could do it all over again I still would have taken our honeymoon 5 years later, felt like we were newlyweds all over again.
While we were gone, my wonderful Rockstar of a sister watched our 1 year old for us. WHILE watching her two kids and her husband was out of town for work. Poor thing was wrangling 3 kids under the age of 4 by herself. I have no idea how she did it, but hey she’s a Rockstar.
That being said, I had never been away from our daughter for more than 1 night in her entire life. Including pregnancy and her 1 year and 2 months on this earth, ONE night away from her in just under 2 years.
Talk about anxiety fuel. One.
I couldn’t skype, I tried that once, she lost her shit. She didn’t understand why mom was on the phone screen and she couldn’t touch me. (cry fest for both her and I, by the way). Two.
So not only was I away from my daughter for 9 days, I also couldn’t see her. Although, my Rockstar sister pulled through with some very cute pictures every day, otherwise I probably would have high tailed home after day 2.
Also, completely different country with a completely different language and I have never left the comfort zone of my country. Three.
THE SECOND I stepped off that plane I remembered every single horror story I had ever read of tourists that went away on vacation and never came home… Four.
I sent my entire family a last will and testament via email, because 1: I’m crazy and 2: we totally forgot.
Anyways, we had an absolutely wonderful time on our honeymoon and besides missing the little human it was the best experience of my life.
My husband convinced me to scuba dive. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am deathly afraid of sharks. So, just add that to the list of anxiety fuel, although it was fun. If you ask him, he will tell you a very funny story of when I was swimming and a HUGE fish (fairly tiny actually) decided to swim next to me and scare the ever-loving shit out of me. Five-ish…
So, we come home, I am still anxious the entire time thinking we are going to die on the way home and our poor daughter will never remember her parents. Six.
We get home everything is fine, baby is alive, sister is alive (somehow), we’re alive. Everything is good. Then my husband’s “vacation” from work is up. For those of you that don’t know he works outside of the country for 4-6 months and gets an unpaid vacation for about 2-3 weeks then he’s away for another 6. All I can say is THANK GOD he got another job, because that one was killing me slowly.
So, hubby leaves. Seven.
SHIT GOES SIDEWAYS.
If you hadn’t noticed the counting, that was seven times my anxiety went off the charts. SEVEN times I overreacted and stressed over things that I had ZERO control over. Except maybe the last will and testament, we really should get on that.
Now, you may think there’s seven things that stress me out every single day and I don’t have a bad reaction to it. That’s fantastic for you and I honestly wish I had that power. You see, my brain doesn’t function that way.
When I get these peaks of high anxiety I handle them, like anyone would. I mean I’m not walking around screaming that there’s sharks in the water or assuming everyone is a kidnapper. These moments and thoughts do go into this sort of dam, where they sit until the dam breaks and it all comes flooding back to me.
This happened the second my husband left again, if you’ve read my past posts, you know that he is my rock when I am having these times. This job he has taken, while it definitely helped us out and was smart at the time has rocked me to my core and I can’t wait for it to be over.
The thing is, when someone with anxiety just can’t take it anymore they go into this kind of hibernation. I hadn’t left my house since dropping my husband off at the airport. I’d wake up dress our daughter (lucky that even happened, but her little clothes are so cute I just can’t help myself), I would never dress myself because why? I’d feed her, do all the things that a good mother would do and then I would just sit there and let time pass.
As if I was watching the same movie repeatedly, until I had no desire to do anything else. If it hadn’t been for our daughter I probably wouldn’t even have gotten out of bed except to eat. She’s the only thing that got me up and at least moving throughout the day.
I’d cancel plans with friends and avoid going out simply because I just could not handle anything else. I let my anxiety literally take over my life.
Imagine waking up and feeling completely terrified of everything around you and just wanting to hide in a blanket fort and color. (I didn’t actually do this, but thinking back now, I totally should have)
This is what anxiety does to people. This is why your friend that seems a bit weird lately keeps cancelling on you. This is why your friend, that you probably think is overreacting about that “tiny little stressor” is acting the way they are. You have no idea what level of stress they can withstand and what limit they are at.
The reason I felt the need to explain all this is because I didn’t understand it myself. I was just going through the motions of life just wondering what in the world is wrong with me. Why am I so blah right now? Best way I can describe the feeling is just blah…
It’s important to understand when you have reached your max limit of anxiety stressors. It’s important to work through the stressors and not let them take over your whole life, as hard as that may be.
If you happen to have a friend that just doesn’t seem like themselves and isn’t being very open, just be there for them. Understand that they are working through something and they will reach out to you if they need you, don’t get mad at them for cancelling.
Most importantly, don’t give up on them…
“Don’t give up on me when I isolate… Myself” – Jen Jolly